the Secret Diary of Edmund Pevensie
by marieken
Summary: Inspired by similar Lord of the Rings thingeys. Worse than it sounds, but read it anyway :


Just a little thing I wrote, inspired by similar Lord of the Rings-diaries I read once. Please don't mind the bad grammar, it's late and I'm tired. Rated T for..hell I don't know.Have fun :)

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**The secret diary of Edmund Pevensie**

DAY 1  
Stood by the window, smoking a joint, watching bomberplanes, when mom pulled me away and asked what I was doing. Was about to explain when Peter interrupted me _rudely_. Stupid Peter. Is just jealous because I found daddy's secret pot-supply in the back of one of his photoframes…

Shit.

Went running back to the house to get it, but Peter wouldn't let me. If he doesn't have it, nobody should have it, he thinks. He tried to grab my sweater, but I was faster. HAHA. He yelled something that could either be my name or something very nasty. Went in, tried to grab the photoframe but Peter tackled me. Stupid moron. Managed to grab the secret pot-supply-photoframe before Peter dragged me to the shelter. Started shouting that I am so selfish, obviously hinting at the fact that I'm not going to share. Pretended to cry and mom immediatly believed me. Women so naieve. Threw Peter my deadliest look. Stupid big brother's not getting any of my – err, daddy's pot.

DAY 2  
Went to the trainstation. Mom's sending us away for what she calls safety. Safety my ass. Safety for you and my – err, daddy's pot, you mean. She indeed tried to take the photoframe from me while she tried to kiss me, so I was forced to pull away. Susan also tried to jerk the secret pot-supply-photoframe out of my hands rather agressively with the excuse that we needed to stick together, but I told her I could get on a train by myself and got out of her reach. Maybe women not so naieve… Put the secret pot-supply-photoframe in my suitcase, causing Peter to try to take my suitcase from me. Didn't let him and put it safely in my eyesight. Older siblings so obsessed with my – err, daddy's pot. Maybe I'll share with Lucy… She's not a woman yet.  
Dropped off on another station in the far country, where this bitch came to get us. Goddamn professor doesn't even own a car. Wonder what he does anyway.  
Walked into my siblings talking about home a few hours later. Tried to get to my suitcase (Peter insisted on taking it with him), but Susan suggested I'd go to bed. Tried to kill Susan with deadly telepathic powers. Didn't work.  
Lucy is sad. I laugh at Lucy. No, I'm definatly not sharing with Lucy. Peter says tomorrow is going to be great.

DAY 3  
Rain rain rain. YAY for Peter's enormous – stupidness. Susan asked what's gastrovasculair. Peter said it was latin. Suggested it means worst game ever invented. Susan not amused. Lucy wants to play hide-and-seek. Tried to pretend to hate hide-and-seek. Made easier when everyone started searching for my – err, daddy's pot. Lucy almost got to it. Thank fuck I was there first. Lighted a joint but was forced to put it out because Lucy came running back screaming that she was okay. Wonder if I really was there first? Told her Peter was coming. Was too late ofcourse. Stupid slut. Peter's not sure we quite got the idea of this game. Edmund's not sure Peter'd quite survive being shoved out of the window. Lucy said she found a land in a wardrobe. Made very funny joke about a footballfield. Nobody understood. Peter all pissed off, telling me to grow up and hinting at me to share the pot. No! _I'm not sharing_! Tried to tell Peter he could suck my dick, but instead told him he thought he was dad. THC really infecting my ability to speak.

DAY 5  
Went to smoke pot in the bathroom at 1 AM. Bumped into Lucy when I came back. Lucy completely twisted; went to hide in the wardrobe again. Went to go look for her. Accidentally shut myself in. Wasn't at all surprised to find a wood. Daddy's pot is really good, you know. Suddenly this dwarf comes out of nowhere, trying to rape me or something. Goddamn homosexual all over me. Wonder if this is gay-paradise? Maybe I'll send Peter here. Then this chick steps out of a sleigh (where did that sleigh come from?), and tells me she's the queen and I'm a son of Adam (like wtf) and gives me Turkish Delight. Is obviously wildly attracted to me. She also wants to meet the siblings. Don't give a shit about what she wants. _I_ want more Turkish Delight. I get hungry when I'm stoned. She tells me to come to her home for more. Serious paedo-alert, but I decided to go or else I'll get bored anyway. Suddenly she tells me 'NO!'. Goddamn slut doesn't know what she wants. She went away and then Lucy found me. Pretended to be very nice and cuddly to me, but was in fact just searching my pockets for pot. Not here, you little bitch. Decided to go to bed. Lucy was going all crazy, screaming at Peter about that land. Wonder if daddy had another pot-supply? Was just about to go to sleep when I thought Peter asked me if I was stoned. Slowly shook my head, causing everybody to go completely crazy. Wonder what is such a big deal about me not being stoned? Okay, so I _am_ stoned, but why would…

Suddenly realized he asked if I had just been to Lucy's land, but everybody had already left the room. Ah well, it wasn't even real anyway.

DAY 8  
Peter wanted to play cricket. Goddamn psycho tried to knock me out, but instead hit me on the leg. Hurt really bad. Goddamn gaylord, I'm NOT sharing! Tried to make Peter understand by slamming the ball through the window upstairs. Less brilliant idea than I thought. Not very good for McReady's mood either. Actually it turned out not to be good at all, so I went up and blamed Peter. We ran through the hallways, searching for a place to hide because McReady was obviously very pissed off. So then there suddenly was that wardrobe. I suggested we'd go inside. Susan asked if I was kidding, but I didn't get to answer because Peter pushed us in. Goddamn loser always has to play the hero.

Re-discovered the land. Peter says I am a liar cause he thinks I told him this land didn't exist. I'm sure I didn't. Lucy made stupid joke, so I told her she was very funny. Sarcastically ofcourse. Nobody is as funny as me.

Met two talking beavers. THC is really getting to me. Went to see the nice Turkish Delight-chick. Turned out not to be as nice as I thought. Threw me in the dungeons and took my pot. Could've known Peter hired her…

DAY 9  
Turkish Delight-chick is a Witch, and she froze a fox that turned out to be really nice to my siblings. Felt kinda bad for him. Took adventage of that feeling, and started crying, hoping Witch would finally get that goddamn chains off me. Witch hit me really hard. Goddamn women not naieve at all… Witch no fun at all anymore. Edmund says; take the pot and _leave_!

DAY 10  
Left Witch to see Lion. Witch refused to give me back my pot. Goddamn slut doesn't even know how to use it. Lion stood on a rock with me and told me I wasn't allowed to smoke pot anymore. Siblings were suddenly very nice. Tried to kill Lucy and Susan by crushing them in a hug, but was too tired. Peter told me to go get some sleep and then told me I should try not to wander off. Restrained myself from giving him the finger. Pretended to go to sleep, but instead went to find weed. Found something really good. Some goddamn treewoman asked me if I was allowed to smoke that. I told her to fuck off. Was surprised to hear her say 'go fuck your mom, fucking psycho'.

Was no longer virgin when I came back.

DAY 11  
Witch came to Lion's camp to say she wants me. Doesn't surprise me at all. She spent half an hour talking about my blood. Girls are usually all about my eyes or my hair, but I never had one who was so obsessed by my blood. Really rather turns me on. Lion is all like 'don't cite the deep magic to me, Witch' and I pretended to understand, but the truth is that I'm too smart to be busy with those kind of things. Peter understood, though. Goddamn lowlife. Lion and Witch went to talk inside Lion's tent. Wonder if Witches do animalsex? She's not human, so I suppose she can pull it off. Literally. Lion and Witch come out of the tent again. Lion says Witch doesn't want me anymore, and everyone is all happy about it. Feel very rejected. Peter tells me I don't understand, and that Witch just wanted to kill me. Feel even more rejected. Edmund says; time for pot and treewoman!

DAY 12  
Spend whole night smoking pot and drinking treewoman's wine, and now I got huge hangover. Peter says it's my own fault. Wonder how Peter knows, since I haven't told him. Lion is like totally gone. Probably felt there was a battle coming, and wisely left. Peter feels like all important right now, so I made a serie of very witty, sarcastic jokes like 'Oh now you really should lead us' and like 'I believe in you, Peter!' to make him really insecure. Muhahahaha! I'm evil!

DAY 13  
Serie very witty, sarcastic jokes didn't turn out the way they were supposed to. Didn't make Peter insecure at all. In some way it seemed to have encouraged him to go to battle. He put me on a mountain with that freaky talking beaver and a lot of archers and told me to shoot Witch's army. Wonder how he expects me to shoot people with a headache like this. I want to kill Witch. She still has my goddamn pot! Peter feels really important. He's all like 'for Narnia!' and like 'for Aslan!'. They start fighting and I sit down to roll a joint. Then discovered I had no goddamn lighter. Asked one of the archers if he had a lighter. He couldn't hear me. So I asked again 'do you have a lighter?'. He still doesn't understand. Now I'm really annoyed. So I start shouting FIRE! Suddenly everyone starts firing their arrows, and I slap my forehead. Felt like I was surrounded by morons, so decided to go down to the field to fight Peter. Came to realize pretty soon that I wasn't supposed to fight Peter. Peter was fighting with Witch. Wondered what was going on, so I went so ask it. But suddenly I drop off this rock and I fall down with my sword and I accidentally break Witch's wand. Witch all pissed off, so tried to kill me by stabbing me. It sort of worked. Sank to the ground with joint in my mouth. Gross open wound didn't hurt as much as would be expected of a heroic deathcause. Kind of disappointing really. Suddenly siblings are all around me. I think I'm supposed to be dying. So I put out my joint and blow out the last smoke. Siblings are all crying and stupid and Lucy is throwing her cordial all over my face. Open my eyes to tell them this is really not necessary, but suddenly Peter pulls me in a hug that crushes my bones as if it's such a big deal. Wonder if we're really related, cause I'm rather sure he has a thing for me.

DAY 15  
Lion made me King of the Western Woods. Am very thankful. Treewoman says Western Woods are stuffed with weed. After stylo coronation came a party. Lucy went to sneak off with mr Tumnus the Goat, Peter tried to sneak off with me, but after I politely turned him down by saying he was a fucking gross perverse gaylord who was completely twisted and stupid because he wanted to fuck his brother, he went to the beach with a dwarf. No bad choice. Dwarf's definately right height. I went to sneak off with treewoman and two barrels of wine. Susan again not amused.

DAY 19  
Still King of Narnia. Starting to get bored.

DAY 35  
So bored. Peter is all stuck up about being High King. To Hell with High King Peter. I got the Western Woods.

DAY 40  
Still bored.

DAY 90  
Every kind of weed in Narnia is gone. Peter says it's my fault. He's right.

DAY 2680  
Went with siblings to catch White Stag. They say White Stag fulfills wishes. If I catch White Stag I'm going to wish for new weed. Lucy noticed a lantern, and suddenly wanted to go somewhere behind the lantern because she remembered something called Spare Oom. Wonder if I'm the only reason why Narnia has ran out of weed? I've always suspected Lucy from smoking the hell out of her. Goddamn siblings made me follow Lucy. Sulk Why can't we just let her go? If we're lucky she'll fall through a hole and break her back or get eaten by a talking butterfly or something.

BOOM

Back in England. At first kind of sulky about it, but then remembered England still has weed-supplies.

DAY 2682  
I miss treewoman, though.

DAY 2690  
Daddy asked if anyone had seen the missing photoframe. Tried not to laugh.


End file.
